On my way to becoming an A.I.I.
"You're Crazy" by Silly_me, October 18, 2003, vwvortex.com
“You are sick, hairy, man.” Now, my conversations with women typically do not end in this manner. Honest! But still, I was a bit taken aback by her conclusion. Hairy? Yes. A man? That’s debatable. But sick? In regards to my own mental state, there is no argument that I’m probably a bit off kilter, okay, maybe more than a bit as I do list terribly toward the side of insanity, but not in the context that she was accusing me of. This troubled me.
Does my obsession with metal boxes on wheels make me that much more insane?
I know what you are thinking, “Hell no! That’s just a woman for you!” I’d like to agree, but I know many women whom are as sick as I am (and not in the good kinky way). I decided I needed another opinion. I asked my brother.
“Yeah, it’s unnatural.” He explained as he stood in front of his paint-faded Nissan Sentra, whose poor oil had not been changed since Reagan was in office. “It’s just a car. Meant to get you from point A to B.”
You see, automotive enthusiast are branded as ‘sick,’ ‘unnatural,’ and ‘not quite right’ by the laymen of the roads. We need help! But wait! Before you run from your abode kicking and screaming about pistons and horsepower, I have some troubling news - there are no known cures for this affliction.
I’ve tried drugs, alcohol, and self-help tapes, and I must say that while I still have an unnatural fascination with cars, I have managed to connect with my inner child, even if he is now a strung out alcoholic.
Certainly someone has had to study this illness. I called the American Psychiatric Association. Now, you may not believe this, but there is NOT a mental disorder classification for Automotive Induced Insanity (A.I.I). The best they could do is suggest that I was obsessive compulsive. I told them I wasn’t and hung up. I then called them back, told them I wasn’t and hung up. Not quite sure that they heard me, I called them back, told them I wasn’t and hung up.
While this did nothing to cure my A.I.I, I was able to help my inner child. He is now, thankfully, in rehab and expected to make a full recovery.
With modern medicine leaving our type out to dry, there was only one hope left - philosophy.
A call to the American Philosophical Association proved that not only were there no ‘official’ thoughts on the idea of A.I.I. (hard to believe I know), but these ‘respected’ men advised me that it was not a topic of philosophic importance. Instead, their resources were ‘better’ used to analyze the philosophical merits of Artificial Intelligence! Do they not realize that cars are alive and have better personalities than people? Solid proof of A.I. in action!
I decided to take matters into my own hands and bought a book by some guy named Nietzsche. As I read on all fours, covered in filth and grease (I do some of my best reading while working on my car), I read a simple statement:
“Error has transformed animals into men; is truth perhaps capable of changing man back into an animal?”
I scratched at my backside and grunted as I saw the light. Those of us lucky few that suffer from A.I.I. are not abnormal. We have come full circle! We have found the truth! We are immortals walking the Earth amongst mere point A to B mortals.
Be not ashamed and drive with your head held high. Embrace whom you are! As for me, I’ll join you soon, as I’m a bit incarcerated at the moment. As it turns out, rolling around in filth while snarling on all fours is not the way to prove to a woman that she was wrong and you were right. Sick indeed.
"You're Crazy" by Silly_me, October 18, 2003, vwvortex.com
“You are sick, hairy, man.” Now, my conversations with women typically do not end in this manner. Honest! But still, I was a bit taken aback by her conclusion. Hairy? Yes. A man? That’s debatable. But sick? In regards to my own mental state, there is no argument that I’m probably a bit off kilter, okay, maybe more than a bit as I do list terribly toward the side of insanity, but not in the context that she was accusing me of. This troubled me.
Does my obsession with metal boxes on wheels make me that much more insane?
I know what you are thinking, “Hell no! That’s just a woman for you!” I’d like to agree, but I know many women whom are as sick as I am (and not in the good kinky way). I decided I needed another opinion. I asked my brother.
“Yeah, it’s unnatural.” He explained as he stood in front of his paint-faded Nissan Sentra, whose poor oil had not been changed since Reagan was in office. “It’s just a car. Meant to get you from point A to B.”
You see, automotive enthusiast are branded as ‘sick,’ ‘unnatural,’ and ‘not quite right’ by the laymen of the roads. We need help! But wait! Before you run from your abode kicking and screaming about pistons and horsepower, I have some troubling news - there are no known cures for this affliction.
I’ve tried drugs, alcohol, and self-help tapes, and I must say that while I still have an unnatural fascination with cars, I have managed to connect with my inner child, even if he is now a strung out alcoholic.
Certainly someone has had to study this illness. I called the American Psychiatric Association. Now, you may not believe this, but there is NOT a mental disorder classification for Automotive Induced Insanity (A.I.I). The best they could do is suggest that I was obsessive compulsive. I told them I wasn’t and hung up. I then called them back, told them I wasn’t and hung up. Not quite sure that they heard me, I called them back, told them I wasn’t and hung up.
While this did nothing to cure my A.I.I, I was able to help my inner child. He is now, thankfully, in rehab and expected to make a full recovery.
With modern medicine leaving our type out to dry, there was only one hope left - philosophy.
A call to the American Philosophical Association proved that not only were there no ‘official’ thoughts on the idea of A.I.I. (hard to believe I know), but these ‘respected’ men advised me that it was not a topic of philosophic importance. Instead, their resources were ‘better’ used to analyze the philosophical merits of Artificial Intelligence! Do they not realize that cars are alive and have better personalities than people? Solid proof of A.I. in action!
I decided to take matters into my own hands and bought a book by some guy named Nietzsche. As I read on all fours, covered in filth and grease (I do some of my best reading while working on my car), I read a simple statement:
“Error has transformed animals into men; is truth perhaps capable of changing man back into an animal?”
I scratched at my backside and grunted as I saw the light. Those of us lucky few that suffer from A.I.I. are not abnormal. We have come full circle! We have found the truth! We are immortals walking the Earth amongst mere point A to B mortals.
Be not ashamed and drive with your head held high. Embrace whom you are! As for me, I’ll join you soon, as I’m a bit incarcerated at the moment. As it turns out, rolling around in filth while snarling on all fours is not the way to prove to a woman that she was wrong and you were right. Sick indeed.
